Transformation

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Transformation – a thorough or dramatic change in form or appearance. A metamorphosis during the life cycle of an animal.

Ten years ago, when I started this blog, I had no idea how running would transform my life. And you have been there every step of the way. With over 223 posts, you have watched me evolve. From writing about my training and giving reviews, to getting deep and personal. From being excited to finish my first marathon, to completing a 100-miler. From being married, to divorced, to becoming a single mother. From living life happily as-is to living life with a deep sense of purpose and gratitude.

With every evolution, you were there. With every transformation, you were there. With every twist and turn, you were there. Have you transformed as well during that time? Tell me. I’d like to know.

I had hoped to have gotten back to running by now. My last few posts promised it. And I also hoped to have run a 50 miler on my 50th birthday, which was last week. Instead, I was drinking mai-tai’s on the beach in Curacao with friends (not a bad option 2!). I had hoped to get back to writing my blog, but it’s been a year since my last post. Is anyone still out there reading? Are you still with me? Do you still look for me?

I’m still a runner at heart. I see runners on the street, and I smile. I am green with envy when I see friends post about their training and races, and admittedly, I sometimes get really down about it and a little angry. And I say to myself, someday, someday, someday. Is anyone else in the same boat? Or is it just me?

But here’s the thing, while I’m not the same person who was learning what the heck a Garmin was ten years ago, I’m still the same person who wants to inspire and motivate. To make you laugh and maybe cry with me on occasion. To make you believe in yourself because if I can do it, why can’t you. To make you feel not alone in your journey even if we have different paths. To make you feel okay to be you because I have learned to be okay with me. I want to continue to do this for you.

I still want to share my journey with you and share all the wonderful things I’ve learned along the way. While I’ve taken a step back from running, I’m taking a step forward to helping others transform their lives. Helping them to elevate themselves and live authentically. To discover the core of who they are, and embrace themselves as genuine heart-lead beings. To learn to love themselves to learn to become leaders in every aspect of their lives with love and compassion. With grit and determination. With resilience and empathy. To discover and ignite the excellence within. To have a ripple effect that changes the collective in a positive light.

I don’t know when or if I’ll be back to my So What? I run. page or social media accounts, but if you’d like to continue this journey with me, I invite you to sign up for my upcoming monthly newsletters on my www.thesandyjames.com website. My content will contain personal reflections as well as offer free tools and guidance on authentic living and I’ve already created something for you to give you a taste of what I’m doing. You may also follow my new Facebook and Instagram pages.

And while my new stuff won’t be running-focused, it will certainly touch on everything that I have learned through running: to believe in myself, to understand nothing is impossible, to dream big, to never give up, to live in gratitude, to embrace all that I am, flaws and all, and to live life to its fullest measure.

Thank you for all the years together and all of your encouragement and support. Words cannot describe the gratitude I have for each of you. I really would love to continue to connect with you on my new platforms and hope to see you there. But if our paths don’t cross there, perhaps one day our paths will cross again on the trails.

With so much love and gratitude,

Sandy

Winter is a Time for Rest

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When I launched the E.V.I.E. Effect™, I chose the most chaotic time of year to do so. Why? Frankly, because I wasn’t thinking. I was so excited to get the information out that I pulled the trigger. Was it a mistake? Absolutely not. My inaugural 3-day Masterclass was a hit. It surpassed its capacity, and the feedback was positive. I admit, my work isn’t easy, but it is transformative. Not only do my attendees learn something, but I do as well. I learned that my best method of coaching, teaching, and mentoring is to do it intuitively. 

In my many past group sessions, the most transformative ones were where I connected energetically with the audience and let the energy lead. For my first Masterclass, I spent months developing the work. I had to cut back over and over again, and still, in the end, I probably could have cut back some more, tossed the fancy PowerPoints, and just led with my heart. After all, it’s part of what I teach, right? 

But, in launching when I did, I put myself in a scheduling and energetic predicament. If I were to teach and coach in my intuitive, heart-centered way, it was going to take a lot more of my energy than I had anticipated, and I’d have to juggle running two businesses and solo parenting amidst the holiday chaos.

Last year, at one of my gatherings, my topic was “Winter is a Time for Rest.” The message was that it is okay to step back from the hustle of the season and rest. It’s natural. In fact, if you look around you in nature, that’s what is supposed to happen. It’s a time to reflect on the year, go into yourself, recover, rejuvenate, reflect, and prepare to step into the new.

The days are shorter, allowing you more time to rest and relax, yet we ramp up and get caught up in the busyness of the season. We feel guilty for saying no to all of the holiday gatherings, the commitments, and overextending ourselves. Every weekday and weekend are filled with something in addition to what we normally have on our plates. 

We become tired and drained and push through. We fall deeper into the roles we play and the masks we wear and lose ourselves in it all. We pour more and more out of our cups and feel overwhelmed. Or maybe it’s just me. 

I found myself falling into this pattern often. Guilt started to set in for not being able to dedicate the time and energy to my upcoming workshops and masterclasses, and I started to beat myself up over it. You know that lovely negative self-talk that likes to creep in every so often? Yep, it happens.

So, I paused to reset and practiced what I preach. I canceled every class that I had scheduled, restructured upcoming events, and started my process of reflection and goal-setting for the next year.

The lessons learned and the feedback received from these experiences have been invaluable. They’ve informed and inspired the design of my upcoming offerings, ensuring they’re even more aligned with our shared journey of growth and empowerment.

I’d like to invite you to do the same. If you find yourself overcommitting, take a step back and allow yourself to just be. Take more time for yourself than you typically do (if at all). Rejuvenate. Reflect. Journal. Meditate. Do something just for you.

I’d also invite you to download my free E.V.I.E. Effect™ Workbook if you haven’t already. It will help you unlock a deeper understanding of yourself, provide a clear roadmap to your goals, enhance confidence, and empower your mindset—your journey to transformation starts here!

Free E.V.I.E. Effect Personal Workbook

So, what’s next?

I’ll be launching a monthly newsletter starting in January and I’m really excited about this! 

Each edition of “E.V.I.E. Insights™: Authentic Paths to Leadership and Living” will be filled with insightful tools and strategies to help you embody the essence of authentic leadership and live a life aligned with your true self. Regular features include:

• Tools for Authentic Living and Leadership: Practical tips and strategies to incorporate the E.V.I.E. Effect™ principles into your daily life and leadership style.

• Dear E.V.I.E.™ Column: A space where you can seek advice and insights on challenges you face in personal growth and leadership. Feel free to write to us with your questions!

• Featured Articles: In-depth explorations of topics related to empathy, vision, integrity, and empowerment, providing you with fresh perspectives and actionable knowledge.

• Workshops, Events, and Masterclasses: Be the first to know about upcoming workshops, events, and masterclasses.

Click below to be sure you are on our mailing list for E.V.I.E. Insights™! And please share it with a friend. Join me in this journey of growth and empowerment—I look forward to connecting with you.

Register for E.V.I.E. Insights™

In the spirit of this journey of reflection and renewal, I’m excited to announce I am also launching a 12-month E.V.I.E. Effect™ Series. The first in this series is called “Empower Your Year: Goal-Setting Mastery with The E.V.I.E. Effect™.” Here we focus on empowering you to set meaningful, achievable goals for the year. This masterclass will be held live over Zoom, scheduled for Thursday, January 4th at 7 PM ET. This is the ONLY time I will hold this class live! It will be recorded for access for future participants. 

Wondering about the cost? This workshop is an energetic exchange, guided by your generosity—contribute as you feel called. Offer what resonates and aligns with you and click below to register!

Register for EMPOWER Your Year Workshop

Lastly, if you have taken my workshops or attended any of my gatherings, I would be extremely grateful for any feedback (good or constructive) you can provide. It helps me continue to grow in many ways. Click below to complete a feedback form.

Feedback Form

Here’s what past attendees have been saying! 

“This masterclass was intense and eye-opening. I now understand how I need to set boundaries and fill my cup first. I’m so glad I signed up. Thanks for inviting me.” Sarah N.

“What I love most about your gatherings is being able to share life problems and get other perspectives (what worked for others). I know I am not alone.” Tina B.

“Your compassion and the quality of care you put into everything you do to help others is amazing. You put 100+% into your coaching/mentoring. You are very knowledgeable and trustworthy, and your motivational talks give everyone inspiration to feel empowered and be better people, promoting self-discovery to build self-confidence and ultimately be their best self.” Lisa L.

“The most immediate result for me was a breakthrough in being able to forgive.  I realized that continuing to harbor negative feelings and resentment created a negative energy drain that was detrimental to me with absolutely no benefit.  Allowing myself to begin to forgive and move on freed my mind and spirit.” Anonymous 

“I really love how you were able to bring together almost 40 women of all ages, backgrounds, and ethnicities in a way that made us feel as if we’d all been the closest of friends for years. We were comfortable enough to open up and be vulnerable among friends and strangers. We helped each other in our own ways.” Jamie B.

“I have learned more about presenting myself with dignity to others in business or on a similar path through watching how you carry yourself.” Cheryl J.

If you’d like to continue to follow me, you can find me

With love and gratitude,

Sandy

The Sandy James, LLC

The E.V.I.E. Effect™ Empowering Visionaries and Igniting Excellence

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Forty-Nine Years and Three Days

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Forty-nine years and three days. That’s how old my father was when he passed away from a massive heart attack at work a little over 22 years ago. I remember how old he seemed to me. What was left of his hair was gray and wiry. His big square-shaped 70’s glasses sat perfectly on his face. He had a big round beer belly, although he didn’t drink beer. On the very rare occasion that he did drink, his drink of choice was a Manhattan. He’d always have a cigarette in his hand, Marlboro Lights 100’s, I believe. He was a carton a week kinda man. Dad was always working and trying to find himself at the same time. He enjoyed photography and loved good ol’ classic rock-n-roll. He wasn’t a very loving or affectionate dad, but he loved us, and we knew that. He was quiet but witty and had a sense of humor that was an acquired taste. He’d still try that “pull my finger” move well into our teenage years. Looking back now, with years and wisdom under my belt, I can see a man who struggled to hold things together and provide for our family, a man who hid his unhappiness with his smile.

The day he passed, and the following days thereafter are now a blur. I remember getting a call at work from my mother to pick her up and take her to the hospital because dad was taken there by ambulance. My sister and uncle met us there. As they put mom, my sister, and me in the small closet-sized room, I knew something was seriously wrong. The doctor came in and let us know that he was gone. I remember the three of us breaking down, wailing, and crying, trying to comprehend how what was once an ordinary sunny day turned into a day that changed our lives forever. They took mom and me back to see him. His lifeless body was on the gurney, still intubated, and he had a tinge of blue around his ears. His glasses were gone. I don’t remember if my sister went back, honestly. I was too focused on the scope of the situation to notice anything around me. I do remember mom draping herself over top of his body sobbing and calling out his name, “Frank!” I don’t recall if I tried to hug him or touch him, maybe I laid my hand on his chest, but I do remember whispering in his ear, “I love you.”

Since that time, January 19, 2000, I have lived as if three days after my 49th birthday was my last day on earth. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I see his face, but it doesn’t look old and withered. Although in the days before I go to get my hair colored, the graying around my temples and my widow’s peak frames my face just so, and I look just like my father. I see every detail of his face in mine. My nose and chin are an exact replica of his, and my smile favors his over my mother’s.

Over the last 22 years, I have done my best to live life to the fullest – doing whatever I can to experience and feel the best of what life has to offer. Checking bucket list items as I go just because “life is too short” and “you’ll never know when your last day on earth is.” Being grateful for every breath and trying to be present in every moment, although being present didn’t always happen. Embracing the dark gut-wrenching moments that create a deep pain that drops you to your knees and forces you to grow, expand, and evolve, as well as the beautiful moments that light up your heart and allow you to soar to the greatest heights. While life wasn’t perfect, and sometimes in my quest to do all the things, I failed to take time to just breathe and sit in stillness, I’ve embraced every minute of it.

We all know that our days are numbered, yet many of us still go through life in routine: wake up, eat, work, eat, sleep, repeat. We push off doing something we love or spending time with people we love because we have to “get this done first.” What’s so important about “this” that it takes away from something or someone you love? Why do we get into this survival mode of just making it to the next day without truly living through this day first? Why is it so hard for some people to break free of that cycle?

I sit here now the exact age that he was when he passed. He wasn’t old at all. I wonder, did he feel old? Or did he feel like he was just getting into the prime of his life, as I feel now? I’ve often said that dad’s passing was his greatest gift to me as it pushed me on a path that allowed me to live with purpose. As of today, I have been on earth as long as my dad was – 49 years and 3 days. That’s only 17,894 days. That’s not a long time if you ask me. And tomorrow, I will be living a day that dad didn’t get to live, day 17,895. And with that, I will continue to live life fully, with passion, with awe. And I will continue to be grateful for every breath. And I will continue to embrace all the dark and beautiful moments. But I will do much more of taking the time to sit in stillness and breathe. To be deeply present in every moment possible. To enjoy every minute of this wonderful life that I created. Because living is a beautiful thing. And life is a gift, and life is amazing.

Today I am 49 years and 3 days old. Tomorrow, wish me a happy birthday, as it will be the first day of the rest of my life.

Me and Dad
Dad in his younger years. If you put a wig on him, you’d have me.

Moose

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My love for nature has grown over the years, and I attribute it to trail running. As a child, I loved being outdoors. My earliest memories of being out in nature was when I was about five or six. We were stationed at Kadena Air Base, and I would wander off and explore the woods all the time. Times were different back then. Parents really didn’t worry about kids playing outside all day. But then, during my teen years into my late thirties, I lost that love for nature. I was all about partying and hanging out with friends. It wasn’t until I started trail running that my heart remembered and fell in love again.

If you have been following me from the beginning, you know how much running shifted my life, especially trail running. Running helped me discover the core of who I am and gave me the confidence to do great things. It also took me deeper into my spirituality and put me on the path to explore those areas. And in this, I discovered Shamanism.

So, what is Shamanism?

“Shamanism is an ancient healing tradition and moreover, a way of life. It is a way to connect with nature and all of creation. The word shaman originates from the Tungus tribe in Siberia. Anthropologists coined this term and have used it to refer to the spiritual and ceremonial leaders among indigenous cultures worldwide. The word Shamanism can be used to describe the ancient spiritual practices of these indigenous cultures.” https://www.shamanism.com/what-is-shamanism

Last fall, I started my journey into Shamanism and began my apprenticeship last week. During some discovery, I found that my grandmother was a medicine woman. Did I ever tell you that my mother is Taiwanese and I was born in Taiwan? I can’t remember. But our family is indigenous to Taiwan and has farmed the land from what I can tell is forever. And perhaps this is a reason why I felt a calling into Shamanism. Not only because I want to connect deeper with nature and all of creation, but because it’s in my blood.

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a ceremony to welcome the Spring Equinox. We participated in water, cacao, despacho, and fire ceremonies. It was beautiful. It was sacred. It was healing. It solidified that I wanted to continue down this path.

Spring Equinox Despacho Ceremony

Last week during a Shamanism class, we paired up with another student to gift each other a power animal. Power animals are guardian spirits in animal form. You can call upon an animal on your own, or through journeying with a partner, one can be called in for you. I was gifted the power animal of a Moose. Honestly, my first thought was…a moose??? Where’s my eagle? What about a lion (which I’ve gotten in the past). But this time, it was the Moose that came forward. After some research, I realized how perfect it was. Here’s some of what I found out below:

The “Moose symbolizes the expression of joy when something has been an accomplishment, not in a ‘show-off look at me; I want recognition ‘kind of way but in a true sense of sharing that springs from knowing how infectious joy is. Moose is also a symbol of being headstrong, longevity, wisdom, confidence, self-esteem, primal feminine energy, and steadfastness.” https://www.shamanicjourney.com/moose-power-animal-symbol-of-self-esteem-courage

The Moose spirit animal signifies strength, pride, and life. It’s not very difficult to decipher the moose symbolism because its message focuses on seeking the truth and finding the guidance within you. People who carry the moose symbolism are being called to work with the oppositions in their lives. Be inspired by the Moose, who’s clumsy and graceful and strange and breathtaking at the same time. For the Moose, attitude makes a whole lot of difference. Stay cool even when things are not working out, and remember not to sweat it! “Read more at: https://trustedpsychicmediums.com/spirit-animals/moose-spirit-animal/

Everything about the Moose is perfect. So, here I am, with my Moose. Digging deeper into self.

I come and I go.

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I come and go. Come and go. Come and go. Just when I start to feel the momentum of getting back to training for my next race, I find that getting that run in tomorrow, or tomorrow, or tomorrow, doesn’t happen. I’ve run a total of 4 miles this year.

Same with my writing. Just when I thought I have found a way to carve out time, it doesn’t happen. But oh, do those words flow through my mind as I daydream about being back out on the trails. And I want to share the many simple yet wonderful experiences that have had throughout the day. And I want to connect with you.

It’s not that I have fallen out of love with running or writing. It’s just that I struggle to find the time to do it. The 4 a.m. wake up calls no longer happen. Instead, I cuddle next to the warmth of my daughter’s body and soak up holding her in my arms while she sleeps. Saturday mornings are booked with ballet, Sunday mornings are booked with swim. Then it’s “Mommy, play with me! Mommy, I want to be with you! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!!!” How can I say no?

And I used to sit with a glass of cabernet before bed and write my heart’s desires. Now, my nights are consumed with getting the kid to bed before cranking out some work to meet client deadlines.

And then there’s my mom. Now that she’s retired, I’ve moved her closer to me so that I can look after her. But I can’t wait to tell you more about her. Just to give you a little taste, my mother isn’t a runner, but she has taken up walking. She averages 70 miles a week and she’s in her 70’s! I KID YOU NOT. She has already logged in over 500 miles this year. She’s pretty incredible and I’m proud of her. At least someone is getting their miles in!

But I’m here. And all is good. And while I don’t spend much time in my old happy place. I am happy. And my new happy place is staring at my daughter’s sweet face while she sleeps. The sound of my feet clomping the dirt has been replaced with the sound of her banshee-like squeal of laughter. And I soak it all in.

I hope you still stick around. I do have big plans, of course. I always do. It’s me. But my pace in execution is slower these days. But don’t worry. It’ll be epic. Because it’s me. And I don’t know how to do anything less than epic.

Runs with Wolf

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A few years ago when I started trail running, I decided to look for a four-legged running partner through a local rescue. After a few misses, we found each other. Her name was Zoey. She was about 2 or 3 years old and a black and white shepherd looking dog with a curly tail. Her fur was relentless. She shed so much that the Roomba could not keep up. She was my girl.

She and I bonded instantly. It’s as if she was waiting for me to find her. Trail running was great with her, although I had to brace for those sudden jolts from when she spotted a deer and wanted to take off. Our longest distance together was 14 miles. The sound of my breath, the sound of her pant. The clomping of my heavy feet, the jingle of her leash tethered to my waist. We ran free and happy together. We were a team.

She was my rock through my divorce, and years later, gentle and caring towards my newborn daughter. When the decision came to rehome her, I was absolutely crushed. I could not give her the love, care, and attention she deserved. I was a solo parent who had gotten laid off after coming back from maternity leave trying to keep everything together. I cried off and on for weeks trying to come to terms with the decision knowing that it was in her best interest. I was fortunate enough to find a friend who would take her in. Zoey was my first baby and I loved her immensely. And I know that she loved me too. But her time with me had come to an end.

I remember taking her to her new family. I cried on the entire drive there telling Zoey how much I loved her and that this was not her fault and that she was wanted. I didn’t want her to feel that she was just a toss-away dog. She was my baby. Her new momma kept me posted on all things Zoey. She would send me pictures and I was free to visit anytime. I found it very difficult to leave after a visit. It was as if I had to tell her good bye all over again, so I didn’t. Zoey had new fur siblings and was never alone. Her life with her new family was perfect for her and I am forever grateful that the Universe arranged it as so. She was so loved, SO LOVED.

Over the past few years I have gotten deeper into my spirituality. I believe that animals are healers. Zoey and I had a soul contract and when that ended, she fulfilled her soul contract with her new momma and family. Zoey healed me in so many ways. Not only was she there for me in my time of need, she taught me what it was like to be a mom and prepared me for motherhood. She was also a healer for her new family too.

This past August Zoey fell ill and it was time for her to cross the rainbow bridge. Her new family kept me posted and allowed me to be with them and Zoey when we had to take her to the vet. When I stepped outside of my car, Zoey wagged her tail when she saw me. I wasn’t sure if she’d remember me since it had been a long while since I seen her in person. But she did. She really did.

We held her and loved on her as she peacefully drifted off to sleep.
Our hearts broken. Our lives forever changed by our wonderful, loving, four-legged baby.

The following week I went for a long run and I felt her with me. I could hear her pant beside me and I could feel her happiness to be able to run on the trails once again. My eyes teared up and my heart was full. Since that time, I have felt her beside me on most runs. This week her last momma told me that she had DNA testing done on Zoey. Among a million things she was mixed with was wolf. Yes, she was part wolf. And I smiled. How fitting is it that my four-legged healer had wolf lineage. The wolf is one of my spirit animals.

I can imagine her spirit running with me on the trails and then going home to rest with her last momma to comfort her. I miss her so. I’ve missed her every day since I had to let her go. But now when I run, she is with me again. My own little spirit wolf.

And I am now one who runs with wolf.

Dearest Zoey,
Thank you for the love you gave me through the years that I had you. You will always be a part of my soul. You were the best dog ever.
Love, Your first rescue momma

Thank you Tracy for loving and caring for Zoey during her last years. You are a true blessing. And thank you again for these wonderful keepsakes of Zoey. I will treasure them always. Love, Sandy

Coming Home

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Last Saturday, I finally got a chance to run with my old running tribe, the Charm City Run ultramarathon training group. Man, it was great seeing all those familiar faces. And there were many new faces who I haven’t met before. Our goal was two hours or at least eight miles. This run took a lot out of me but in a good way. It’s been a while since I climbed hills like these, and my legs ached from it. But damn, did that feel great! The trails have changed over the past few years. Trees were down in some places, some of the water crossings seemed a little different too. But I recognized so much, and I felt the trees smiling down on me, saying, “welcome home.”

What I loved most was catching up with old friends. Many of whom I’ve lost touch with over the years, except for keeping up with key moments on Facebook. One of the topics that came up was about the ending of relationships. Something that I’m oh too familiar with.

I don’t remember everything I said, but I remembered everything I felt and thought when I shared some of my experience with the breakup with Ultra kid’s father and the devastation I felt for months afterward.

On Valentine’s Day of 2020, he came forward with it. It wasn’t working for him anymore. I was utterly stunned. Where did this come from? Why were there no conversions of issues before this? Weren’t we happy?? In my mind, I thought I had provided a safe space for open communication, and we seemed to talk through everything together. But I was wrong.

Many of the days and weeks that passed after were a blur. During the day when I had to face people, I put on a brave front when I could. At night, I cried that snot dripping ugly cry, as my daughter slept in my arms, telling her how sorry I was that I wasn’t good enough to make him stay and that I was unlovable. I told her I would do everything to fix it. I had convinced myself that this was a phase, and he would come around if I could be the person that he needed me to be and that I could make our family whole. My heart ached to be on the trails for hours at a time so that I could sort out the grief and fix my head, and I couldn’t find my way there. And I so desperately needed to be there – the only place that I knew could heal me. I blamed myself for everything.

Then the pandemic hit, and we were in isolation.

As I look back now, I see that 2020 was the year of clear vision. The pandemic forced me to focus on myself and my situation. It took me a long time, but when I found out some truths that I didn’t know about, I knew that the breakup was a gift. He wasn’t the person I made him out to be. I was so in love with the idea of having the family I longed for, for a long time that I ignored red flags. I should have trusted my intuition, and I didn’t. Shame on me. Most of all, I should have never thought that I needed to change who I was for someone to love me. I am not to blame for what had happened. Neither of us is to blame. The relationship was karmic and we weren’t meant to be forever.

What we had was beautiful and amazing and gave me the most incredible miracle in our daughter. It had also taught me lessons in self-worth and self-love. And it brought me down to my fucking knees. Sometimes you don’t realize that you need to be broken to become better, stronger, and wiser. But when you rise up from the destruction, you begin to see that the pain of a broken heart is necessary to level up to your highest potential. You learn to see through people and trust your intuition. And through a lot of healing, I have clear vision of patterns I needed to break, clear vision of who he was, clear vision of my path, and most importantly, clear vision of who I am.

I am worthy and I am lovable and I deserve better. We all do.

Running on the hills at Cromwell Valley Park was very satisfying. I felt that I was coming back from a long crazy vacation that changed every aspect of who I was.

It was healing.
It felt like home.
And most importantly, it made me happy. 

“And I’ll rise up
 I’ll rise like the day
 I’ll rise up
 I’ll rise unafraid
 I’ll rise up
 And I’ll do it a thousand times again
 And I’ll rise up
 High like the waves
 I’ll rise up
 In spite of the ache
 I’ll rise up
 And I’ll do it a thousand times again”
Rise Up, Performed by Andra Day. Lyrics by Cassandra Monique Batie / Jennifer Decilveo

Photo by Scott Kelly (Instagram: @scott_not_astronaut)
Thank you for capturing me coming home to my happy place!

Resurrection

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Hello, friend. I’ve missed you. Over the past three and a half years, so much has changed. The birth of ultra baby (now ultra kid). The breakup with her father. The countless times of trying to get back to running, racing, and writing, only to push it aside to tend to single-motherhood. Like the 100-miler, there were moments of pure joy and moments that brought me to my knees. It was through the moments that brought me to my knees that helped me grow. It helped me grow as a mother and as a divine being.

I have so much to tell you and no idea where to start. Frankly, I have about a dozen drafts saved and I never got past the first paragraph. I don’t even know how WordPress works anymore. So, I start here. Today.

Today, I resurrect my blog and hope to share and connect with you going forward. I resurrect my training and hope to find my place back to the finish line. Today, I resurrect the new me that you haven’t seen before. A little wiser, a little more spiritual, and a whole lot tougher than before.

Today is resurrection day.

Countdown to the Finish

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“Life is always a rich and steady time when you are waiting for something to happen or to hatch.”
– E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

I remember during my first marathon after I pushed through the wall at the 20-mile marker and finally saw in the distance mile marker 24. There was a sudden surge of excitement. The end was near. I was going to do it. Just a little more than 2.2 more miles and I was going to actually finish a full marathon and I wasn’t going to die trying. The adrenaline kicked in and the emotions started to take over. For the first time in my life, I was going to do what I thought was the impossible.

And here we are now. Four weeks away from the due date of ultrababy’s arrival. I’m still waiting for that adrenaline to kick in, but it feels more like I’m stuck at the wall at mile 20. And just like every mile along the way of my first marathon, there’s so much that I’ve learned about myself and my tribe during the longest and fastest summer of my life, and it humbles me.

I learned that while I can will my body to run 100 miles, I cannot will my body to gracefully roll out of bed, or tie my shoes, or get out of the car, or put pants on. I learned that “slowing down my pace” doesn’t mean slow down to a comfortable jog, it means to come to a screeching halt and rest. I learned that I wish I would have been kinder, more helpful, and more compassionate towards my sister and friends who had kids before me. I had no idea what the body goes through when it’s creating a tiny human. And despite the fact that I wasn’t really there for them, they are here for me, a thousand percent.

Somehow along the way, I was able to surround myself with some of the most amazing people in the world. They are kind and generous. They are compassionate and loving. They are true to their word. How do you live up to that? How do you show gratitude to all of those people who go out of their way to help you, check up on you, and to just be there when you need them? I don’t know. Tell me. My tribe is strong and I am grateful for them. And my daughter is fortunate to have all of these wonderful people in her life to help guide her and teach her how to be a warm and compassionate human being full of strength and courage. Perhaps she saw this village and that’s why she chose me to be her mother.

As the days get closer to ultrababy’s arrival, I can’t help but wonder what it’s all going to be like to finally hold her in my arms. I often hear that there are no words to describe the feeling that you get when you hold your baby for the first time. And with each passing day, I’m starting to get it. It’s something like seeing the beauty of the Grand Canyon in pictures, but the pictures don’t do it justice. You have to run from one side to there other, to experience the great heights and depths to understand and feel the beauty of it all.

Or hearing of a pilgrimage along the coast of Portugal to Spain and the stories of self discovery that comes with it, but the stories are just stories until you, yourself strap that backpack on and walk every mile from point to point, soaking in the sights and culture and confronting your own demons within during long stretches of silence and solitude. You have to experience it to understand the changes that happens from within.

Or hearing of this crazy thing called a 100-mile foot race and seeing runners cross the finish line broken and renewed at the same time and not understanding what has to happen to your mind, body, and spirit in order to accomplish such a feat. You have to experience it to feel the pain that radiates through your body, hear the argument between your heart and your head of whether or not you should quit or move on, and feel the fire in your belly as you hear the cheers of the crowd at the finish line knowing that you had the strength, courage, and shear will to push through when your body didn’t want to.

The anticipation of the experience that lies ahead of me is both exciting and scary, but I know that it’s going to be nothing less than beautiful and magical. Four weeks left (maybe less). The finish line is near. And so is the most incredible experience of a lifetime.

Lost & Found

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Well, there you have it. After a little scare earlier in the week and being put on temporary bed rest, it looks like my running may have come to a screeching halt.

I admit. I feel a little lost. I’ve felt a little lost from the beginning of this craziness. For the past six years, running has been my crutch. Discovering the sport changed my life’s trajectory and made it beautiful in so many ways. Running helped me find me.

I know this is a temporary situation, but without it, I feel…well…lost.

There’s a new me to be discovered and I know everything will be okay. I know I’ll find a new norm and I know that my running will come back. But self-discovery is never easy. And all this baby stuff is a little overwhelming. And in the past when I was overwhelmed, I ran.

In less than 15 weeks, I get to meet my little ultrababy, which  doesn’t seem like a lot of time. Now that I no longer have running as my crutch to keep my stress level down, my anxiety has started to kick in. So I have to remind myself to breathe.

I just have to breathe and be okay through this new change.
Breathe and be okay with feeling lost.
Breathe and let my new self be found.

“It just takes some time, little girl
You’re in the middle of the ride
Everything, everything will be just fine
Everything, everything will be all right, all right”
In the Middle – Jimmy Eat World